I had forgotton about Jecky. In Jan 2004 I decided to attract and mess with a nigerian scam artist. They had been hitting my favorite paddling forum's gear swap pretty badly. I made a pseudonym 'Anita Sponsons'* and posted an ad on the forum.
*sponson - a sort of outrigger to attach to a boat. Useless on whitewater kayaks, its inventor trolled rec.boats.paddle on Usenet relentlessly until most people left the newsgroup. Though before my time as a paddler, I have heard tales of how the sponson guy ruined rbp, by being a persistent, trolling ass.*
It didn't take long for me to get a response.
>From: jekey tayo
>Subject: This amazing
>Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2004 14:52:46 -0800 (PST)
> I saw your advert on the net and i have interest in buying the boat
>which cost $300. My mode of payment is by cashier's cheque.give me the best
>price for quick purchase and the condition of the boat as at now . >Thank you > jekey
Anita Sponsons <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote: Hello! I am selling the boat for $300 plus the Genuine Natural Hair Fiber Paddle as a free bonus. However there will be a charge for shipping and that depends on where you are located. The boat is in fine condition. I took it a few times down the Green Narrows, Whitewater flume park in Atlanta, and then got a mystery groove in the Upchucky before my left sponson creased. After I got my neck cast off the main paddling I did was the swamps of the Cahaba, and the boat has served me well. It's like it's on auto-squirt, and I can spew like a rodeo boater. Let me know where you are. I like cashier's cheques.
HELLO , THANKS FOR THE RESPONDS. AM LOCATED IN ASIA.WHAT I NEED FROM YOU NOW IS THAT NAME THE WILL BE ON THE CHEQUE WILL BE PAYABLE TO AND THE ADDRESS,WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THE PAYMENT CAN COMMENCE ASA I GET THIS INFOMATION I WIULL CONTACT MY CLIENT TO ISSUE YOU THE CHEQUE THE EXCESS OF THE CHEQUE WILL BE FOR THE SHIPMENT. I HAVE MY PRIVATE SHIPPING COMPANY THAT THEY WILL COME FOR THE PICK UP YOU CAN CONTACT THEM THROUGH VIA EMAIL(JEKEYSHIPPINGAGENT@YAHOO.COM)I WILL LOOKING FORWARD TO YUR REPLY.
>From: jekey tayo >To: Anita Sponsons >
Subject: RE: This amazing >Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 12:55:32 -0800 (PST) > >HELLO , > THANKS FOR THE RESPONDS. AM LOCATED IN ASIA.WHAT I NEED FROM YOU NOW
>IS THAT NAME THE
>WILL >BE ON THE CHEQUE >WILL BE PAYABLE TO AND THE ADDRESS,WITH YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THE >PAYMENT >CAN COMMENCE ASA I GET THIS INFOMATION I WIULL CONTACT MY CLIENT TO >ISSUE >YOU THE CHEQUE THE EXCESS OF THE CHEQUE WILL BE FOR THE SHIPMENT. I >HAVE MY >PRIVATE SHIPPING COMPANY THAT THEY WILL COME FOR THE PICK UP YOU CAN >CONTACT THEM THROUGH VIA EMAIL(JEKEYSHIPPINGAGENT@YAHOO.COM)I >WILL >LOOKING FORWARD TO YUR REPLY.
Anita Sponsons <email@example.com> wrote: ASIA? Really? What a coincidence! I ate Mu Shu Shrimp last night! I love Chinese food, because you can order in Chinese with words like Mu Shu and also learn about Chinese history, like General Tso and those Mongolians, and do your horoscope with the place mat. But I digress. I am having a hard time imagining my baby boat 2000 miles away from Alabama. It's just that it was designed for Southeastern whitewater, by a famous Southeastern paddler. He played banjo in the movie Deliverance, maybe you've seen him. What kind of river would you be paddling with it? Or do you live near the ocean? I am concerned for your safety. Kayaking can be a dangerous sport. Anita
HELLO THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE FULL INFOMATION THAT I GIVE YOU SO THE PAYMENY WILL BE ISSUE.I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR REPLY.
OK he wanted me to write the shipping company he uses, which happens to be called jekey shipping company.
Anita Sponsons <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote: Hello, I was given this address from a man? woman? named Jekey who is interested in buying my kayak. I suppose he wants you to calculate shipping to his address from mine. Well I live in Hog Teat which is right outside of Wetumpka, Alabama, but we usually ship things from Montgomery at the UPS store. So why don't you figure out shipping from Montgomery. Thanks, Anita Sponsons
HELLO, MY NAME IS OLANREWAJU VALENTINE. I AM THE MANAGING DIRECTOR OF JEKEY SHIPPING COMPANY.MY CUSTOMER MR JEKEY JEFF CONTACTED ME THAT I WILL BE HELPING HIM TO SHIP A KAYAK HE PLANS TO PURCHASE FROM YOU.HE MADE ME UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WILL BE SENDING SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY TO ME WHICH WILL COVER SHIPPING AND SOME OTHER BILLS. I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS THE POLICY OF MY COMPANY TO HAVE SHIPPING CHARGES PAID UPFRONT BEFORE WE COME DOWN TO YOUR LOCATION TO ARRANGE FOR THE SHIPPING AND PAYMENT IS USUALLY PAID IN CASH. I WILL SEND ALL MY DETAIL INFORMATION TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU NOTIFY ME THAT YOU WILL BE SENDING THE PAYMENT TO ME AND I WILL WANT THE FUNDS SENT TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO THAT I MAY LEAVE FOR AN EARLY PICK-UP . AS SOON AS I HAVE THE FUNDS WHICH I WILL MOST PREFER TO BE SENT TO ME VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER IN YOUR LOCATION, I WILL LEAVE FOR THE PICK-UP AND I WILL WANT YOU TO PUT IN PLACE ALL THE MAJOR THINGS THAT WILL ENHANCE A SMOOTH AND SUCCESSFUL SHIPPING ARRANGEMENT FOR THE KAYAK,HOPE IS IN GOOD CONDITION. I LOOK FOWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SINCERELY, OLANREWAJU VALENTINE.
>From: jekey tayo <email@example.com> >To: Anita Sponsons <firstname.lastname@example.org> >Subject: RE: This amazing >HELLO > THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.TRY TO GIVE ME THE INFOMATION SO I WILL FORWARD TO IT TO MY CLIENT TO SEND YOU THE PAYMENT.I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR REPLY. > >> > >
Sponsons <email@example.com> wrote: >Why would I send you money? I am selling a boat, you're paying for a boat. >What do you mean, jekey or olwananrana or whoever? I haven't even gotten a >check from you for the boat by the way.
> >On a happier note, one of my hogs won Best Teat in the annual Hog Teat
>contest, held here in honor of the town of Hog Teat Alabama.
From: jekey tayo <firstname.lastname@example.org> >To: Anita Sponsons <email@example.com> >Subject: no problem >Date: Sat, 28 Feb 2004 07:11:20 -0800 (PST)
> > > >Hello Anita, > Am not saying you should send me money i have sent youexess i have have already said eaierler on so themoney is excess that is why i said you will send the remaining to my shipper in norway so no problem try to get the check as soon as soppible can you can thet you dog for me to take a look.
Sponsons <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote: Well now wait a minute. Why would you send more money? I could just keep the extra money after all, instead of sending it anywheres. I know that when I buy hog milk I don't send more than the prescribed amount due. I wasn't born a pig ear's sandwich, you know. I gots smarts. What I don't have is a check from you for anything. And what's a dog got to do with this anyway? ANITA
>Hello Anita, > Why should you be talking like this?i don;t want any means of play o.k when you nget the check deduct your money there and send the remaining to my shipper via western union and let stop our deal there o.k
Anita Sponsons <email@example.com> wrote:Jekey. How's it hangin'? Listen, I'm worried about you. >Kayaking is a serious and dangerous sport. At least tell me what country in >Asia you are writing from. >I don't want to sell you a boat that you could use inappropriately and die >in. > >
HELLO > THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.TRY TO GIVE ME THE INFOMATION SO I WILL FORWARD TO IT TO MY CLIENT TO SEND YOU THE PAYMENT.I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR REPLY. > > > >Anita Sponsons >Well, OK. I have to give you my work number because we don't have a phone here in Hog Teat.
2121 8th Avenue North,
Birmingham, Alabama 35203
*This is the address and phone number, IIRC, for the B'ham FBI office. This was Gordo's idea.*
Thanks for your purchase,
Oh yeah you should write : Attention: Check for online boat purchase on the envelope so someone at the office doesn't open it by mistake.
HELLO THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.I WILL CONTACT MY CLIENT TO SEND YOU THE CHEQUE.YOU WILL RECEIVE THE CHEQUE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.I WILL BE LOOKING FORARD TO YOUR REPLY.
>From: jekey tayo <firstname.lastname@example.org> >To: Anita Sponsons <email@example.com> >Subject: PAYMENT >Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 13:08:12 -0800 (PST) > > > >
> I called the number you gav me but it was your wife office phone number,could you expalin why you have done that to me of which your wife was embarassinmg me.the payment it;s on the way so i will like you to get everything set as soon as possible. > Regards - Jekey
FROM ANITA: jekey that's not my wife!!!! She doesn't work. She stays at home raising our kids, slopping the hogs, and cleaning out the chicken coop. The woman you spoke to is my secretary. Don't take any guff off her! I told her to expect your call! Sometimes she is hard to deal with, she has a hearing problem. TELL HER WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU ARE CALLING. I am so sorry for the inconvenience! ANITA
HELLO THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.TRY TO MAKE THE SHIPPING ARRANGEMENT SO THE SHIPMNET CAN COMMENCE SOON.TRY TO SEND THE SHIPPING CHARGES SO THEY CAN COME FOR THE PICK UP IMMEDIATELY,BECAUSE I WANT IT SHIPPED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.HERE ARE MY SHIPPIER'S INFORMATION YOU WILL USE IN SENDING THE MONEY. NAME.....OLANREWAJU VALENTINE. ADDRESS.....108 CURTIS STREET,OSLO NORWAY. HERE ARE THE INFORMATION YOU WILL PROVIDE TO ME AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE MONEY SO I COULD FORWARD IT TO MY SHIPPER. SENDER NAME.................. RECEIVER NAME............. AMOUNT SEND........ TEST QUESTION AND ANSWER......... MTCN#10 DIGIT NUMBER.......... I WILL BE FOR THE INFORMATION... HERE ARE THE WESTERN UNION OUTLET WERE YOU CAN CASH AND SEND THE MONEY ....
after which olarnasnjoruwer jekey whatthafuck helpfully sent FIVE little maps showing the western union locations in birmingham, using mapquest.
Anita's response: Jekey... I don't know how to tell you this. I am SO SORRY. But my best Nigerian hog, Scammer, got into my boat shed and took a liking to the boat you are buying. I wasn't aware of this until this morning. He has been 'nesting' in your boat, apparently for quite a while, and he has relieved himself several times in the boat, judging from the smell. The result is that your boat is full of... shit. I just don't know what to do, Jekey - I really don't want to touch the thing after this, and I doubt any manner of cleaning will get the shit off of the flex capacitors. The wicker seat reeks of hog urine, and he broke the mast off, too. Do you still want me to ship you this kayak? Anxiously, Anita
HELLO ANITA, COULD YOU LET ME KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON ,I NEED IT URGENTLY. so...
Anita responds: I'm trying to tell you. Oh I forgot your from asia so maybe you need it said like on a chinese menu. Boat have pig shit generously filled within. Smell make eyes water and nose run - off face. Boat need ancient chinese secret to remove shit and smell. If you use boat, fish run away and flies have party. You want boat not sure anyone willing to ship. Boat has become a Distatefull Object. No egg roll include. Anita