July 5, 2012

Yes another post today

Well, shucks.   I did write another song.   Anyway, I am still here bored stiff because I am resting which is what I promised myself I would do today.   Until I go to rolling practice this evening.   Which means I will miss Crossfit which I feel bad about but I scheduled the rolling practice before I realized it would conflict with my Xfit class.   I feel bad about missing Xfit because it is overhead squats tonight which is something I am not good at (my 'goat' in XFit parlance) and need to practice.  Also because I know coach Cori will call/email me asking where I was.  And then I may get some sushi because I dearly love it so.   
Why is it so hard to simply rest?  
I think that resting is a habit and it is not something I am in the habit of doing.     
So, other things going on - I have a good friend dealing with her father's cancer which is something I am unfortunately very familiar with, with both of my parents and my two sisters as well.   Cancer is scary, tenacious, requires much patience and the treatments are very rough.  It has made me wonder if cancer being so ubiquitous is a modern thing or if it was always true in the human species, only we did not know how to diagnose the different types.  
I try not to think about cancer very much; with both sisters having survived breast cancer it is a scary thing to have as a possibility; but rather than walk around with a Damocles' sword I figure annual screenings and being as active as I can are the best things I can do.   But there is not a lot I can do for my friend but try to be there for her, mostly for her to vent, as I find venting an absolute necessity when dealing with people I love being in pain etc.  
Now, 'being there' is something that I am not very good at at all; I am thoughtless and self-centered generally and so I fail, often, to be as attentive to my friends' needs as I should be, but I am trying.  One of the things kayaking (yes that again) has taught me is that as much as I would prefer to be in control of what is happening around me, the river (life) is not under my control, so I must go with the flow (cliche but appropriate) of events rather than trying to wrest them to follow my whims or compartmentalize them into manageable bits.   And - you will love this - kayaking has taught me this by kicking my ever-loving ass over and over until I get the message.  When I finally do get it I will send you a postcard from some peak of nirvana or something.  There is nothing so humbling as dragging my waterlogged-rat-of-self on the shore below a rapid that has slapped me good.  Well, that is what having a loved one with cancer feels like, out of control and no way around the facts, so you just do what you can and hope for the best.  The one 'good' thing about cancer I can think of is it does give people time to say goodbye and I love you and settle up past grievances etc.  But I hate it.
Well this has become a kind of downer post and I didn't intend that so... ok... back to resting.    I am going to rest some more.  Be restful.   Restive.   Restorative.  hmmm.  maybe that means paint my toenails.  Yes, I think it does.  

p.s. so email me already you evil old hag.  dangerjudy gmail


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